My big girl started kindergarten this week, Camp Kindergarten on Tuesday (with a third of her class) and first full, real day Thursday.
Each day I’ve cried a little more, and each day there has been a different dynamic at home. Today’s dynamic is the new normal for us. Tuesday my parents were here, so I got to get out a little by myself. Thursday, my husband took the day off, so we did some errands. Today, it was just Zach and me. Him and I against the world, getting in to as much trouble as we can for the time she was at school.
I cried like a baby when I dropped her off today. First we were running later because between a 5 year old, a 1 year old, and myself we didn’t manage time properly. We weren’t late, she just didn’t get as much time to play before school started. We got there, dropped her backpack off where it goes and she was off and running. Out of my sight in a heartbeat. I stayed, because it was into her third day, and I wanted to be there in the background in case something went awry. Low and behold, something did. The bell rang, whistles blew, children started lining up. I can see her backpack holding her place in line, but not her. I glance around and see the play supervisors guiding the stragglers towards their lines. She’s not one of the stragglers, I cannot find her. I take a step back to get a better view. Still can’t find her. Say something to the yard supervisors, and they have no more children out there. I look around some more. Then grab one of them and said, she’s not where she belongs and we both walk to the playground. I glance back and ther she is, my sweet girl, red-faced, puffy eyes, wet cheeks. I’ve been crying for a little now without realizing it. Then when I see her the water works come on full blast. I’m by her side as quick as I can (hell, I have grass stains on my knees to show it) and I’m holding her so tight. She had gotten confused and in to the wrong line, being the smart girl she is, she found an adult as soon as she realized what was going on. Then our hugging fest was over and her teacher says, “ok moms and dads this is where we leave you, we will see you later, have a fun day.” I had gone in with her the other days, and I hadn’t planned on going in today, but after the scare this morning I was hoping to hold her hand on the way in, she had even asked me to (despite saying she didn’t want to hold my hand as we walked up to the school). I stepped back, and let the wave of tears fall again.
Once Zach and I were home I realized how truly quiet it is when Caitlynn isn’t here. Then, he took a nap. It got really quiet. I contemplated what to do, then decided I’d had a tough morning and watched some grown up tv I the day time.
Hopefully it gets easier, and I won’t cry like a baby every day. And hopefully we don’t have another repeat of this morning.
We have worked very hard to raise this sweet girl. Now she’s out of the house for 6.5 hours a day. I hope I’ve done a good enough job, and she’s got a good start on being a respectable member of society.