It’s no secret. I have anxiety. I have social anxiety. I have panic disorder. I am me. My whole life I’ve struggled making friends.
I’ve had friends write me a letter on the last day of school telling me they hate me and never want to see me again (8th grade). That broke my heart in so many pieces, but that marks the beginning of my story. Funny thing is one of those people who wrote the letter because one of my closer friends in high school.
Finding the right balance in friendships is HARD. This is where my social anxiety comes in to play. I try so hard, to not try too hard. Seems like a funny sentence right? Well, it’s true. I try so hard to make it seem like I’m not trying too hard to be someone’s friend. I remember things, my memory is crazy. So when you tell me about your birthday plans 3 months ahead of time, I make plans to go. When I check in with you a couple weeks ahead of times, you think I’m. Ray for remembering the plans you wanted to make 3 months ago. So, now I find it best to “pretend,” to inquire as to what the plans may be, even if I was told what they were months ago.
Let’s take another example, you start a group text conversation. I join in, since I am included, and no one responds to me, or even acknowledges that I said anything. There are responses to what everyone else said, except me. If you don’t want to talk to me, don’t include me. It’s not that hard to save someone the anxiety of, does so-and-so hate me? I offered to help with whatever and they didn’t respond. I’ve given up on a lot of people/ things, because it seems like I’m just included because someone else likes me. Now I say fuck it, if you want me there, let me know. Don’t “invite the group” then exclude Lauretta. I have feelings, please tread lightly.
I’ve done a lot of reflecting the last few months. I’ve sat back, looked, and re-evaluated a lot in my life. I’m done being the doormat. I’m done being nice to people who ignore me.
There’s a delicate balance in all friendships, where one can push too hard and try too hard and push the others away. There’s also, the one who doesn’t try at all and hurts the others, because they are trying.
All I have to say, is if you’re in, you’re in. Please don’t break anything while you’re here. I’m fragile. I have feelings. They’re not the same as yours, or the next person for that matter. Don’t try to change me. Love me for who I am, or let me move on.