New Territory

I broke last night.  I finally admitted I am not strong enough to handle everything going on.  I’m unhappy, I HATE living in the Bay Area, and I am not being the best mom I can be.  I feel bad for my daughter because I’m realizing now that I have almost no patience with her. I feel like I have failed her as  mom.

There were tears, there was anger, there was frustration, and there was love.  There was an argument, and then there was word diarrhea, and I let it all out.  He just held me while I cried.  I was never angry at him, I was upset with myself for not being strong enough to deal with it all.  After that was over we went to bed.

Fast forward to this morning, I was reflecting on everything from last night.  I was talking to my friends/ support group and they suggested I seek help.  I messaged my therapist and my primary doctor.  Within a few hours I was prescribed something to help me cope, and I have an appointment to talk to someone first thing tomorrow morning.

I’ve never taken this kind of medication before.  I have to start taking it slowly, and work my way up to whichever the optimal dose it for me.  I can’t drink, but I’m not good at that anyways.

I thought of that song again, the “Need You Now” by Plumb.  I pulled up Isaiah 41 on my phone and read it to myself.  I was trying to find the solace she found in that verse, and I found it in Isaiah 41:10.

 

I don’t know what will be in store for me these next few days, weeks, and months; but I think I’ve made a step in the right direction.  I admitted defeat, I asked for help, and the help has presented itself to me before, but I couldn’t see it until the right time.  Thank you to those who were there, and convinced me that it’s ok to need help.

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