I broke last night. I finally admitted I am not strong enough to handle everything going on. I’m unhappy, I HATE living in the Bay Area, and I am not being the best mom I can be. I feel bad for my daughter because I’m realizing now that I have almost no patience with her. I feel like I have failed her as mom.
There were tears, there was anger, there was frustration, and there was love. There was an argument, and then there was word diarrhea, and I let it all out. He just held me while I cried. I was never angry at him, I was upset with myself for not being strong enough to deal with it all. After that was over we went to bed.
Fast forward to this morning, I was reflecting on everything from last night. I was talking to my friends/ support group and they suggested I seek help. I messaged my therapist and my primary doctor. Within a few hours I was prescribed something to help me cope, and I have an appointment to talk to someone first thing tomorrow morning.
I’ve never taken this kind of medication before. I have to start taking it slowly, and work my way up to whichever the optimal dose it for me. I can’t drink, but I’m not good at that anyways.
I thought of that song again, the “Need You Now” by Plumb. I pulled up Isaiah 41 on my phone and read it to myself. I was trying to find the solace she found in that verse, and I found it in Isaiah 41:10.
I don’t know what will be in store for me these next few days, weeks, and months; but I think I’ve made a step in the right direction. I admitted defeat, I asked for help, and the help has presented itself to me before, but I couldn’t see it until the right time. Thank you to those who were there, and convinced me that it’s ok to need help.